


So Take It From Me, Captain America

by whatthefoucault



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: High School, Implied James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers - Freeform, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Post-Avengers (2012)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 05:49:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11178363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatthefoucault/pseuds/whatthefoucault
Summary: "Ok, Captain America PSA number four, take one, and... action."





	So Take It From Me, Captain America

**Author's Note:**

> Because it was suggested [here](https://micromarvel.tumblr.com/post/161727661209/cobaltmoony-captainevans-just-how-many-times) that Steve probably filmed more of these spots that we see in Spider-Man: Homecoming, so here's the story of one of them. Set not long after the battle of New York.

"Okay, this is the last spot we're going to film today, so let's try and get it all in the first take so I can get to the gym early so I can get home early because Andre got us reservations at wd50 and I am _not_ missing wd50 for this."

Gretchen's elegantly laquered fingernails drummed impatiently against the back of her clipboard. Brett cued the teleprompter, and Steve adjusted his costume.

(Did he _have_ to wear the costume? He had asked them as nicely as possible. He hated that costume. It looked like he was wearing somebody's pyjamas. It looked like that godforsaken leotard he wore while touring across endless auditoriums and punching out fake-Hitler in front of a chorus of ladies, not that long ago. It was not a vocation he wished to return to. But the kids love the costume, they had told him. This was for the kids. How could be possibly argue with that?)

"We ready?" asked Gretchen. Brett nodded. Steve took a breath, and nodded. "Ok, Captain America PSA number four, take one, and... action."

"Hi, I'm Captain America," Steve read from the scrolling text to the side of the camera, feigning a casual sense of authoritative ease. "You know, in my line of work, it's not unusual to find myself in a sticky situation. Good thing I've got my shield to keep me safe. Now, you might find yourself in a different kind of sticky situation, and if you do, there's a very important shield you should always make sure you use: a condom."

Steve stopped dead in his tracks the moment his brain caught up with the script. 

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," he said. "You really think anybody's going to listen to my advice on, you want me to talk about - "

"Practicing safe sex, yes," offered Gretchen, with an shrug.

"Sticky situations, though? Who wrote this?"

"I did," said Gretchen, staring into him, her gaze deadpan and unwavering.

"Did Stark put you up to this?" he asked, but Gretchen's unwavering look of exasperation told Steve that he had not. "Listen, I'm not sure I'm the right person to be filming a video about this."

Gretchen held up her hands in protest. "Whoa there, Cap - you know what? I really don't give a fuck what you do in the privacy of your own home, nor do I want to know. All I want is to get the last of these PSAs in the can so we can all call it a day and go home, you can get out of your little costume and get up to whatever freaky stuff it is you're into. Or maybe you leave the costume on! I don't care! Just read the what's on the script, make it sound convincing. Okay?"

"That's not what I meant!" asserted Steve. He could tell his blush was spreading out from under the cowl, extending down and out, until he was sure that under the costume, he probably looked like a boiled lobster.

It was not as though Steve had never _had_ sex, despite the many variations on the ninety-eight-year-old virgin jokes that Stark and some of the others liked to throw around. It was just something that was, well, personal. Besides, by his estimation, the last time Steve had loved anyone in that way was technically decades ago, and he was nowhere near ready to consider it again. He tried not to wonder whether they ever would have talked about it properly, had they both survived the war. He still had nightmares about the train.

"I said I didn't want to know," said Gretchen, her smile tight-lipped and insincere.

"I mean, it's personal, but that's not - you know what, fine," he sighed.

"So can we just film the damn spot?"

Steve nodded. A make-up artist dabbed another layer of foundation onto his blushing cheeks.

"Jesus, this is not what I pictured myself doing when I was at SVA," she muttered to herself. "All right, this is Captain America PSA number four, take two - and hopefully the final take - and... action!"

"Hi, I'm Captain America," Steve began again. He hoped his smile was not as uncomfortable as it felt. "You know, in my line of work, it's not unusual to find myself in a sticky situation. Good thing I've got my shield to keep me safe. Now, you might find yourself in a different kind of sticky situation, and if you do, there's a very important shield you should always make sure you use: a condom. So take it from me, Captain America: stay safe, and play safe."

\---

Peter was slumped as far as a human could slump down into the godawful rickety old classroom desk-chair that was probably older than his Aunt May. He was haunted by Captain America. How many of those dumb videos did that guy make?

"... so take it from me, Captain America," came the voice of Steve Rogers on low-budget video. Peter cringed. Michelle leaned toward him, elbowing him in the ribs.

"That guy's your friend, right?" she asked. "Sticky situations? Does he think this is cool? I feel embarrassed for him. I feel embarrassed for me for having to see this. I feel extra embarrassed for you because you two are basically best friends now."

This was the worst thing that had ever happened.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://whatthefoucault.tumblr.com), come say hello!


End file.
